jan 6 2025: i do love you, mom…

Yesterday, I called my mom and told them that I loved them. It was a suggestion from my grandpa’s sister, who’s in regular contact with my mom and familiar with their pain over losing our relationship. I am also in pain over losing it, but it has been for the best. Until now…

It’s hard for me to speak to them. I am triggered by hair flipped “wrong”, jumping to accusations that they want to hurt me. Remembering a history of pain and their words… and their actions or lack thereof.

It takes an immense amount of strength to forgive your parents for the ways that they haven’t met your needs. It takes an immense amount of compassion to realize that they are humans that will err inevitably, and that love takes many forms. My mother is from Panjab, and their love comes through in the meals they tirelessly make for their family, often waking up at 4:00am to do so.

Now, my compassion for a woman born in a patriarchial culture that looked down on girls that weren’t “normal” grows larger than the pain, the anger, and the hurt. Likely neurodivergent themself, and without the support or understanding that they needed, my mother wasn’t given the tools to succeed. Their emotional needs were chronically neglected, and they often endured abuse themselves.

People need support, not punishment.

That is why I choose to forgive my mother. Tell them I love them, the first time since before August 2023. A phone call that, I’m sure, will bring them a lot of peace. And that, brings me a lot of peace.

-immy, age: 27